Lately I have become consumed with an influx of paradoxical thoughts. On one hand I’m searching for my very own “Eat, Pray, Love moment” (you know, the opportunity to leave my life behind and find myself in a foreign country where I can eat pizza and flirt with the idea of never coming home), and on the other hand my brain is telling me I’m insane to even entertain an idea like, especially during a pandemic. Over the weekend my friend brought to my attention what I’m like when I lead with my heart, as oppose to my head. He said I’m bright, affectionate, open, and free when I lead with my heart, and when I lead with my head I become annoyed, offended, and negative. It took me some time to understand what this meant. At first I thought “um hello, obviously I have to think with my head. What would become of my life if I didn’t?” To him, what my life would be was clear. It would be more free and authentic, the kind of like worth living. He could tell what I was leading with clearly. To him the difference was clear, like night and day. For me however, I struggled to identify when I’m overthinking verses when I’m openly following my heart. I decided to be honest with myself and really take time to examine my behavior because who wouldn’t rather be bright, affectionate, and open?
I noticed that I have a tendency to start overthinking. I spend a lot of time around people who have a lot of doubt. They doubt themselves, others, the world, possibilities, opportunity, etc. I become like a sponge and soak up all their troubles and make it my own. I don’t want to live a life in fear of what’s possible and become a watered down version of myself. Instead I have a desire to reach my highest, truest potential. I’m interested in leaning in, getting focused, and becoming me again, getting in touch with who I am and getting started with the journey I’m meant to have. I have been going through the motions of life instead of really giving the majority of my attention to my true goals. I’ve decided that this week I’m going to give my brain a rest and instead focus on my heart. This isn’t an easy feat, my first instinct is to give in to the drama, negativity, and uncertainty that my mind gives birth to. This week, in order to connect with my heart, I am going to meditate, journal, and exercise. The clarity I will receive from these activities will help me to clear my mind of the clutter and see more clearly what remains, my authentic self. I want to remove myself from toxic people and situations so that I can give myself the treat of positive energy and endless possibilities. Negative people and places will only ever bring you down and cause you to act more with your head than with your heart.
I’m eager to see where this time takes me. The journey isn’t easy but I fully believe it will be worth it. This year has already been entirely unpredictable, causing me to see that life can go in any direction. Who’s to say this next journey won’t be the best one yet?
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