Hi there! This week was my first time adjusting to my new schedule since I quit my corporate marketing job. I thought I’d fill you guys in on what I have been up to this week.
Monday morning felt sort of surreal. I woke up early and went for a walk and it felt both nice and strange to be able to go for a walk past 9am. Normally my morning walks would be wrapped up by 8:45am so I could get back inside and log on to work. This time I was able to feel the sun on my skin far past 9am. It was refreshing and liberating to not have to be anywhere. However, at the same time, I felt anxious to not have anywhere to be. Fears started creeping into my head and I struggled to resist it. I am beginning to realize that I develop anxiety when I am not being “productive.” I find myself easily feeling rushed and anxious often. I feel as if I am late or running out of time and wanting to move on to the next thing even if I don’t have anywhere I need to be. I think this may partially stem from my upbringing where I was programmed to value efficiency and being ahead of others. This is something I would like to work on because I know that these feelings are lowering my quality of life.
Another interesting thing I realized about myself is that I have two selves. I have one self that is completely eager and optimistic about my new beginning. She is excited, passionate and confident. She fully believes that this world is vast and hers for the taking. She feels qualified and strong.
I have another self that feels very small. She feels young, unqualified, and eager to curl into bed and never take a risk because risks are not safe. She feels weak and dim.
Both these selves currently exit inside of me simultaneously. As you can imagine, I try to fight one and embrace the other. I am realizing that perhaps this is a mistake. Maybe I am not supposed to be fighting the “negative” side of me. Maybe I am instead supposed to be embracing it. What if what is perceived to be negative, is not negative after all? What if it is actually one of my strengths? What if it deserves just as much attention and love as the confident, powerful side that I have always preferred to show the world?
All I know is that like everyone else on this plant, I have experienced hurtful situations that have harmed me. I was shoved when I should have been hugged, and kicked when I should have been picked up. No matter how magical your childhood seemed to be, I would bet that you have experienced some form of trauma. It could have been that you were bullied by your sibling or you were constantly talked down to when what your heart really wanted was to be built up. It could have been something far more extreme. Perhaps you were assaulted or abandoned. No matter what your trauma has been, you are living in response of it. This response is holding you back from showing up in the world as you are meant to. We are not meant to be scared and small. We are meant to show up and shine. Although these fears are there and you would love to be stronger, that does not mean that you have to be shove them away and ignore them. The reality is, there is a hurt side of you. That side has already been hurt and pushed away. Now it is time to embrace that side, recognize it, and work with it.
Right now I am both excited and doubtful. I have high hopes for this next chapter of my life and my hope is to see them through. You may also have hopes and dreams for your own life. Understand that the part of you that is doubtful is the part of you that has been hurt and living out of fear of disappointment. Just remember that your goals are in your mind for a reason and the world is filled with wonderful possibilities.
How will you live from love this weekend?
Let’s grow together.
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